Family & Friends

The Parent Trap

Posted by Jean

I am — as I am sure so many of you are — so sad about Natasha Richardson.  I didn’t know her (I met her once, at a wake, but that doesn’t count as knowing).  But I am truly upset for her children, her husband, her mother, her sisters.  She seemed to be one of those one-in-a-million Hollywood people who actually did have it all.  Perhaps because she lived no where near Hollywood. 

For me, freak accidents like this one bring me back to the question: What if it was me?  My literary agent told me of how he was once on a plane that seemed like it was absolutely going down.  In that few moments he asked himself: Had he taken care of the people he loved?  Had he dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s?  And because he had, he was able to be at peace in the middle of a situation that turned out not to be a disaster after all.

So let me ask, what about you?  Have you protected the people that you love?  That spouse?  More importantly, those children?

Over the years I’ve developed a series of questions that I find lead most people to an answer. In an attempt to get you to the lawyer’s office — or to pick up a prepackaged or web-based will program (Quicken’s is quite good) — I thought I’d put them here. But before you get to the decisions, make a short list of people to consider. Remember that guardians have two jobs: One is to make the basic decisions for the child, decisions that you would be making if you were alive, and the other is to manage any money that was left to the child. You can separate these, if you’d prefer, and have a guardian of the child and a guardian of the estate, but in most cases it’s easier to have one person handle everything.

I also recommend naming one person instead of a couple, for a simple reason: If you name a couple (say, your brother and your sister-in-law) and they get divorced, who gets custody of your children is up in the air. That’s fine, if you’re happy with either of them raising your kids. But if your intention was for your brother to be guardian, and you name his wife as well, you’re running the risk of her getting custody.

Once you make your short list, ask yourselves the following questions. By the time you get to the end, you should have your answer. And note: One of the other reasons that many people avoid this process is having to tell the people not chosen. Those are not conversations you have to have. As long as you and the person you have selected are on the same page, you do not have to discuss this with anyone else.

SIX QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ABOUT A POTENTIAL GUARDIAN

Does this person have the time to take care of my children?
Does he or she share my values about what’s important in life?
Is this person young enough and in good enough health to take on this challenging task?
Is the person geographically desirable, or would the person or my children be required to move?
Does he or she have the resources necessary (or will I be leaving enough in life insurance and other resources so that’s not an issue)?
Is he or she willing to do it?

What if this doesn’t get you to an answer?  What if, for instance, you have two brothers and can only choose one? It’s undeniably tricky, particularly if there aren’t practical reasons for picking one over the other. It’s easy to explain to Sam that you picked Joe because he lives in your town and Sam lives across the country, but it’s harder to say that you think Joe would be a better father for your children. I think your best bet in a situation like this is to sit down and communicate with your brother directly. Be honest and open about why you made the decision, without insulting him or his lifestyle. Talk about his concerns. You’ll defuse tension by addressing the issue upfront rather than trying to hide it.

You should also consider the fact that maybe you won’t have to explain yourself at all – there’s always a chance that your brother will be relieved to not have the responsibility. It’s a lot to take on, and some people just aren’t up for it. In fact, everyone should keep this top of mind when asking someone to be a guardian, because if they say no, it isn’t a personal insult. It’s actually the responsible thing to do, because you wouldn’t want them taking on this important role if they’re not prepared for it.

But note: As I said above, if you simply cannot bring yourself to have this conversation with Joe, the brother you haven’t chosen, don’t let that get in the way of selecting the brother you do want and putting it in writing. The hope is that this piece of paper will get old and wrinkled without it ever becoming an issue. But just in case, the biggest mistake you can make is not taking action.