Ask Jean

Ask Jean Thursday: For Richer or For Poorer?

Posted by Jean

“I recently discovered that my wife has hidden several thousands of dollars in debt from me. Beating me to the mailbox, sending statements to one of her friend’s homes.  I have left the house and wanted some advice on where to start rebuilding if even possible after the deception.” - Jim, California

I hear this all the time, unfortunately.   About 2 to 5% of the population can be categorized as compulsive shoppers, and it can have a devastating impact on a marriage.  And when it’s done in secret, my friend the psychiatrist Gail Saltz often says, it’s particularly devastating.  That’s because there are two betrayals:  The hiding of the information and the disregard for the financial life you’ve built together.  That said, if your wife is willing to work on the problem you can repair your finances and your marriage.

Financially, your first obligation — and it is a joint obligation since you’re married — is to face the debt and preserve your credit history.  Sit down with your wife and figure out what you owe, to whom, and at what interest rates.  Then figure out how much you’ll be able to pay back on a monthly basis and when you’ll see a clean slate.  This may mean cutting expenses, selling assets, perhaps even taking on extra work.

I know you are very frustrated at your wife’s betrayal, but it sounds like you want to repair the relationship.  So try your best to have this conversation in a non-confrontational way.  Lay out the information that you know to be true, but let her know that you are there for her and you want to understand why it happened and work on making it better together.

One way to do that might be to start using debit cards exclusively (rather than credit cards) and paying the household bills from an online account to which you both have access.  You will both be able to check the purchases and the balances on a daily basis with just a few keystrokes so it’s a very easy way to know what’s happening without feeling like big brother.  Or worse, like Big Father.  It will be hard, but try to maintain your position as her spouse rather than becoming her parent.  Don’t take away her plastic as if she’s a child.  Try to give her the opportunity to step up as an adult.

Emotionally, you need to help each other. “It may take years to rebuild trust, but you need to identify the problem, and speak about it in a non-argumentative way,” says Dr. Robi Ludwig, psychotherapist and contributor for care.com. Ludwig also suggests looking into organizations like Debtors Anonymous. “Attending the meetings together can help you identify this as a problem and move forward,” says Ludwig.  You also should speak with someone you trust about the emotional side of this – financial infidelity can come along with a lot of frustration and shame, so you need to rebuild your sense of confidence and come to terms with what happened so you can move forward.

And if you do decide to go separate ways, you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You should speak with a divorce attorney about the legal ways in which you can protect your finances. You should also look into your state’s rules on what happens to this debt. If you are responsible for it or it’s in your name, you should look into ways to keep the debt from hurting your credit.