Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

“I recently got engaged, and am looking to prepare financially for life after our wedding. I’m not sure what we should do about things like taxes and health insurance. We’re just a little confused about what we should be doing.” – Amanda, Arizona

Well, first of all – congratulations on your engagement! I’m glad that you are thinking ahead about how your life will change financially once you tie the knot. It’s important to have that money talk now, rather than let it slide until applying for a mortgage reveals credit card debt you didn’t know your spouse had.

So what should you do first? Ask – and answer – the following questions: What do you own? What do you earn? What do you owe? And what do you spend? Being open and honest about these things opens a platform for discussion, and allows you to plan for your future. You’ll be able to make the right decisions about opening joint bank accounts and credit cards (I, personally, prefer the yours, mine and ours system, in which each partner has his or her own bank account, and they share a joint account for household expenses).

You also need to talk about what you both want in the future. When do you want to retire? What kind of house do you want to live in? In the city or the country? How many children do you want to have? While these aren’t money-specific questions, you can be sure they’re important financially. Once you can see eye-to-eye about where you see yourselves down the road, you’ll be able to plan and save accordingly – both together and separately.

When it comes to specific things like taxes and your benefits at work, you need to give yourself a little check up. Start with double checking your withholdings at work – you should always do that after a major life change – and updating your W-4 if necessary. You’ll be considered married by the IRS if you were married for even one day during the last tax-filing year, which means you’re going to have to decide whether to file jointly or separately. This is a personal decision, and has a great deal of financial consequences, but in most cases couples benefit from filing jointly. If you’re unsure, run the numbers both ways by enlisting the help of your accountant or an online tax preparation program. Finally, do a benefits comparison to see if you’d save money or get better insurance coverage by combining plans, or if it’s more cost-effective to keep things separate.

Regardless of the decisions you make, however, they should be made as couple, during an open and honest discussion.

Kim, thanks for writing.  Your email brought back memories.  When I was growing up, neither one of my parents liked paying the bills.  So my mother would do it for as many months as she could stand it, then when she got really, really cranky my father would take over.  And months later, when he had all he could take, she would once again take over for him.  I think the difference between your approach and theirs is the difference between the words “ask” and “tell.”

When you “tell” your husband to take over, you’re no longer his wife.  You’re his mother, telling him to get his towels up off the floor or finish his homework.  When you ask him to take over — or to do it with you — you’re his partner and you need his help.  To make it easier on both of you, I want you to switch to paying your bills online, if you’re not doing that already.  It’ll shave about 2 hours off the time it takes each month once you get past the set up, which should take about an hour.  It will save you money on stamps and trips to the post office.  And done right, it will also prevent late fees. (Can you tell I love paying my bills this way?)  So, set this up then ask him to sit down with you and show him the procedure.   Tell him why you hate being the only one in charge of this process (it makes you feel as if you’re making too many decisions on your own, it makes you worry that if he ever had to do this because something happened to you he’d have trouble) and ask him to do it with you for a couple of months, then take shifts.

As for that flare up over the credit card bill, the cure for this may be bank accounts of your own — one for him and one for you in addition to the house account.  You each need to have the autonomy to make some financial decisions (from buying a gift for your spouse to buying something for yourself) without asking permission.  Of course, the needs of the family have to come first.  But we all forget from time to time that getting married doesn’t make us the same person.  Maintaining that individuality will actually help keep the relationship fresh and strong.

Women are getting a bad wrap. These days, more and more of us are taking charge when it comes to our family’s money. At the end of last year, a study by FindLaw.com found that 37 percent of married women between the ages of 18 – 34 handle all of the household finances, compared to 30 percent of married men. In a 2006 study by Money magazine, 60 percent of women said they’re responsible for budgeting, bill paying, and day-to-day spending in their households.

That, according to piles of research, turns out to be a good thing for your family’s balance sheet. Why? Because women are actually good at managing money. Take a look:

• A Merrill Lynch study a few years ago found that only 35 percent of women have held a losing investment for two long, versus 47 percent of men. To take it a step further, only 48 percent of women said they’ve since repeated the mistake, compared to 61 percent of men.
• The same study found that a quarter of men have bought “hot” stocks without research. Only 13 percent of women have admitted to doing the same.
• An international survey by Reuters in 2009 found that women are more responsible than men when it comes to money. They’re less likely to get in debt, and more likely work hard to be financially independent.
• A nine-year Bloomberg LP study, released in 2009, found that hedge funds run and managed by women nearly doubled the returns of those ran by men. The average woman-managed fund returned 9 percent; those managed by men returned only 5.82 percent. To add insult to injury, funds run by women were down only 9.6 percent at the peak of the financial crisis, compared to the 19% decline that funds managed by men saw.

Bottom line: Women are careful. We think decisions through before pulling the trigger, and instead of just taking risks, we take calculated risks. We also seek help, when we need it – and when it comes to money, many of us do – and we admit our mistakes. We are, when it comes right down to it, the perfect money manager for our families.

But taking responsibility for your family’s financial future is also good for your mental health. The American Psychological Association’s annual Stress in America survey recently found that financial stress takes a heavier toll on women. There are several ways to remedy that, but being educated is one of the best. If you know what’s going on with your family’s money, you don’t have to wonder whether you have enough in savings, or if that bill was paid on time.

“I do the budget and schedule the payments, and I know they will get there on time. I don’t feel in charge, because my husband is still involved, but I do feel less stressed,” says Kathleen Noland, who began handling her family’s money after a little trial and error. “We realized that I pay the bills on time, and I have a better sense of what’s coming in and going out, because I do most of the shopping. I also feel better when I’m in control.”

Of course, the best case scenario, in my book, is sharing the financial duties – or at least having regular money meetings so you’re both well-informed. It’s important to keep the lines of communication open – Kathleen says she and her husband have a conversation about their finances about once a week, and discuss with each other before making any big purchases. But no matter what system works for your family, clearly, it’s time to retire the stereotypes.

“I recently discovered that my wife has hidden several thousands of dollars in debt from me. Beating me to the mailbox, sending statements to one of her friend’s homes.  I have left the house and wanted some advice on where to start rebuilding if even possible after the deception.” - Jim, California

I hear this all the time, unfortunately.   About 2 to 5% of the population can be categorized as compulsive shoppers, and it can have a devastating impact on a marriage.  And when it’s done in secret, my friend the psychiatrist Gail Saltz often says, it’s particularly devastating.  That’s because there are two betrayals:  The hiding of the information and the disregard for the financial life you’ve built together.  That said, if your wife is willing to work on the problem you can repair your finances and your marriage.

Financially, your first obligation — and it is a joint obligation since you’re married — is to face the debt and preserve your credit history.  Sit down with your wife and figure out what you owe, to whom, and at what interest rates.  Then figure out how much you’ll be able to pay back on a monthly basis and when you’ll see a clean slate.  This may mean cutting expenses, selling assets, perhaps even taking on extra work.

I know you are very frustrated at your wife’s betrayal, but it sounds like you want to repair the relationship.  So try your best to have this conversation in a non-confrontational way.  Lay out the information that you know to be true, but let her know that you are there for her and you want to understand why it happened and work on making it better together.

One way to do that might be to start using debit cards exclusively (rather than credit cards) and paying the household bills from an online account to which you both have access.  You will both be able to check the purchases and the balances on a daily basis with just a few keystrokes so it’s a very easy way to know what’s happening without feeling like big brother.  Or worse, like Big Father.  It will be hard, but try to maintain your position as her spouse rather than becoming her parent.  Don’t take away her plastic as if she’s a child.  Try to give her the opportunity to step up as an adult.

Emotionally, you need to help each other. “It may take years to rebuild trust, but you need to identify the problem, and speak about it in a non-argumentative way,” says Dr. Robi Ludwig, psychotherapist and contributor for care.com. Ludwig also suggests looking into organizations like Debtors Anonymous. “Attending the meetings together can help you identify this as a problem and move forward,” says Ludwig.  You also should speak with someone you trust about the emotional side of this – financial infidelity can come along with a lot of frustration and shame, so you need to rebuild your sense of confidence and come to terms with what happened so you can move forward.

And if you do decide to go separate ways, you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You should speak with a divorce attorney about the legal ways in which you can protect your finances. You should also look into your state’s rules on what happens to this debt. If you are responsible for it or it’s in your name, you should look into ways to keep the debt from hurting your credit.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a contributor to More magazine.  For my column in an upcoming issue, I’m looking for women who will tell me how the finances are handled in their relationship.  Do you and your partner merge every cent?  Keep everything separate? A little of both?

Share your system – and why it works for you – by sending me an email.